Juggling Chainsaws: Part 4

Our retrieval was yesterday. We got 13 eggs. Not complaining, because it could be worse, but... isn't the point of buying a donor the hope of having MANY MORE EGGS?!?! Quality over quantity, I know... but seriously. What the fuck.

As of 4 p.m. today...

Of the 13 eggs retrieved, 10 were mature and ICSI'd.
Currently 7 are fertilized...
My RE looks for at least 50% fertilization rate, and we're at 70%.
She says the fertilization rates of the mature eggs was normal. I love how completely detached she is in this process. It's clear to me that the folks working in the infertility industry have never walked one step in our shoes.

Girls on the chatboard I visit say my results are excellent and to be excited. I want to be. But I've been hit by this train before. Fingers crossed but holding our no expectations.

I can't believe we pay for this.

Pray for us.

Juggling Chainsaws: Part 3

Today is day 8 of meds. This morning, donor had 7 measurable follicles (largest at size 16) and more still growing. Donor's E2 is 1278.

Nurse is predicting trigger shot on Friday or Saturday night.

They keep telling me donor's responding great. Even reduced her meds on Monday night.

I'm disappointed.

So I'll have somewhere around 10 eggs at retrieval, if I'm lucky?!?!

WTF.

I hate this.

Juggling Chainsaws: Part 2

The donor is stimming away. On Wednesday, February 17, she started on 150IU of Gonal F and one 75IU vial of Menopur.

• After five nights of medication...
  First BW = 918
  Meds reduced to 112IU of medication (not sure of the Gonal/Menopur breakdown)
  Re says, "donor is responding very, very well."
• After six nights of medication...
  Second BW = 1095
  U/S = 6 measurable follicles in the 13-14 range, lots of smaller ones which RE hopes will blossom.
  RE is cutting donor's meds again because "slow and steady wins the race."
• Donor's going in for BW and U/S tomorrow.
  Updates to come.
  
  I'm trying not to get too emotionally involved. I can't do anything to help or change things, so I'm resigning myself to being a spectator. My donor communicates with me on e-mail, and she's really, really an angel. Win or lose, I need to be grateful that she gave me a shot at motherhood.

I've Got Mail??

Wow... I have comments! Thank you to the kind ladies who took a moment to read my posts and say hello. To be honest, I hesitantly e-mailed Stirrup Queen to list my blog on the blog roll. Why? Because this is my second attempt at blogging. My first blog was fun (at first), then all my bloggy pals for pregnant. I (as usual) was left behind. Secondly, my blog fell into the hands of some not-so-supportive people... and they used my posts to ridicule me. Still, I've found reading blogs so therapeutic, and I feel a need to share my (more often than not miserable) story with others who might learn from my experiences. So here I am, just smarter this time: no pictures, no real names. You're here, too, and I thank you for your support. Welcome, new friends!

No news from the donor today. She's stimming along... hopefully doing her best and staying positive. I continue to inject myself with Lupron and pop Estrace pills like Chickets, hoping that my womb of doom will be more accomodating this time around. After three IUIs, six IVFs and one ectopic pregnancy, it's hard to envision my uterus being a place of sunshine and roses.


I'm told that, in addition to the $8,000 donor compensation, it's customary to give a donor gift. After browsing at Tiffany & Co., I decided on an Elsa Peretti "Color by the Yard" necklace.

It arrived today. It was a bit pricey, but I bought it with the belief that this woman is making my dream come true. Someone this important deserves something beautiful. I bought one for myself, too. :)

Of course, the fear continues. I'm beginning to define what success means for myself at this point. I've never had any embryos to freeze before, so I'll be happy to have any this time. This is my donor's third cycle; both mothers in the previous cycles got pregnant, too (one has already delivered a healthy girl). I'm petrified to shatter my donor's winning ways.

There's more I could say, but I'm tired tonight. A few observations:

• I'm notorious for arriving late to every party, and that means falling in love with sitcoms midway through the show's heyday. I've discovered "The Office". I really liked it... I could even appreciate the sweetness of Pam and Jim... until I read tonight that Pam's pregnancy prompts them to marry. Am I the only person disappointed by this development? Perhaps this is old news, but it's news to me. And I'm sad. I wish Hollywood would create a show that deals with the realities of infertility ("Friends" went there, but of course the road ends with a happy twin adoption. So not real life). But I understand why Hollywood stays away: the real world likes to pretend we don't exist. Our truth is too ugly for them to fathom even in 22-minutes increments. Let's instead watch that Duggar bitch pop out her 38th kid. Oh no, here I go again...
• The fertile-frenzy of Facebook has reach epic proportions. During a five minute visit today, I was bombarded with posts about ultrasounds, burp clothes, peanut allergies, and being in "oh-soooo-much-discomfort-because-I'm-six-months-pregnant." Guess it's a consequence of my friend list, but seriously, if I ever do become pregnant, no one will know about it. Ever. Or until I can't continue physically to hide the fact. I will never be so stupid to believe that anyone on this planet cares about my fetus' every move.

That's enough for now... time to cuddle with my cat.

Dispatch from the Sofa

A blissful Thursday evening during vacation week... so much more I could be doing (laundry, organizing closets, cleaning my attic, etc.), but instead I lay on the sofa bundled with my heating pad.

I'm blessed to have this break.

My husband, who inches ever-so-close to entering the land of hope, tells me to enjoy this time... because our home might soon be crawling with children. I love his optimism, but I can't ever, ever allow myself to join him.

The doctor tells me we have an 80 percent chance of success. I could, however, find two dozen women who were given the same odds and ultimately failed. So I choose to realize that IVF and donor eggs is like everything else in the ART world: a commodity. A profit. A risk worth taking, in their eyes, because they don't have to pay $20,000 for it.

For now, it's tempting to buy into this dream. I will likely never again be as pregnant as I will be in the next few weeks. After that, it's probably back to business as usual: the business of putting one foot in front of another and trying to make it all worthwhile.

Juggling Chainsaws: Part 1

After months (no, years) of waiting, we're finally kicking off our donor egg IVF cycle. Donor went in for baseline today and reportedly has "tons of teaney follicles." She begins medication tonight (150 IU Gonal, 75IU of Menopur). I don't know if she does this once or twice daily. Her next monitoring is on Monday.

The medicine has been in her possession since November. I pray to god that she's taken good care of it and KEPT THE GONAL REFRIGERATED. That's my biggest fear at this point. I'm sure more fear will manifest between now and Monday. Because life wouldn't be right if I weren't juggling chainsaws. I've gotten to be damn good at it.

Today's Starlight:

• Sleeping laaaate! I (heart) vacation.
• Cheesy fries... my arteries do not thank me.
• Having a husband who gets up at 5:30 a.m. to drive 15 miles away to my mom's house to shovel her driveway.
• Watching my cat have a sneezing fit. Hilarious to watch.

Happy Valentine's Day

Gearing up to go to work today. Sure, I'd love to stay home, but it's Sunday and that means time and a half.

Today's Starlight:

• Watching Jackson Family Dynasty on television. Don't know why I love this show so much, but I do. Marlon Jackson is hilarious. Tito seems very normal. Jackie appears to be quite sensitive. Jermaine is a trip, too. Can't imagine what is was like to grow up in the family of a megastar like MJ.
• Making breakfast for my valentine :)
• The warmth of my kitty cat at my cold feet. Love him!
• Knowing I have vacation this week! So lucky to have this time off.
• Knowing I have the opportunity to make money at my jobs.

It feels good to be home

Stepping back into the blogosphere... smarter this time.

Here is my new place to document life as it unfolds before me. I deserve this place to share, reflect, celebrate, and document life as I see it.

Out loud.

Come along, if you wish.